You’ve picked out the dream photographer, secured the perfect venue, and your loved ones are booking their flights. On the surface, your wedding is falling into place… but something doesn’t feel quite right. 

Committing to your forever person is meant to be a romantic and happy time. But as the big day approaches, you might find yourself overwhelmed by the future you’ve spent every waking minute planning. 

If you’ve been feeling crushed under the weight of pre-wedding jitters, wondering why the pressure feels so unbearable when this is supposed to be the best day of your life, pause. It may be worth it to check in and examine the question you might be afraid to say out loud. Between normal anxiety and legitimate dread, here are a few key signals it might be time to call off the wedding, along with next steps to consider.

Signs You Might Need to Call Off the Wedding

If you’re considering calling off your wedding, you may have trouble thinking straight. This is a highly complex decision wracked with difficult emotions. You may be worried about how your families will react, afraid of what people will think, ashamed that all your plans will go to waste, or overwhelmed by those expensive deposits you’ve already paid out. 

In trying to take care of your partner and all the details, you might lose sight of the person who matters the most right now: you. You are the only one who will advocate for yourself and live the life you’re setting into motion.

Before you make any big decisions, rooting yourself in your body will help you connect to your inner wisdom, allowing you to discern between simple wedding anxiety or the revelation of a deeper truth: 

Your Doubts About Your Partner Aren’t Going Away, They’re Getting Louder

“Temporary anxiety sounds like: 'What if I’m not ready?' 'What if something goes wrong?' It’s future-focused. It’s your brain trying to predict every possible thing that could go sideways. But underneath all that, you still want to marry this person,” holistic therapist Cheryl Groskopf, LMFT, LPCC, shares.

Temporary anxiety often comes from external stress, like finalizing the guest list or writing your vows. But if you find yourself questioning the relationship, that persistent anxiety is another concern altogether. 

Getting Engaged Was Based on Expectations or Timing

Family expectations and societal norms often shape the external expectations around getting married.1 If you’re more focused on meeting your obligations rather than your marriage readiness, it may not be the right time.

“Some couples base their decision to marry based on math—they’ve been together for X number of years or because they are at a certain age, they fear that if they don’t get married right now, they won’t be able to in the future and will miss out,” therapist Shemiah Derrick, LPCC says. “You need to be sure you love the person [now] and not basing it off who they were in the past or who you hope they will be in the future.” 

The Wedding Planning Is Exposing Underlying Issues

The pressure of coordinating logistics can easily lead to arguments. For example, if one partner feels overwhelmed by planning or if there's heightened focus on how the process or day will appear on social media, tensions can rise. Disagreements like these are a common part of wedding planning; what matters most is slowing down, acknowledging the stress, and each partner's wishes for a great day. However, persistent, unresolved conflict over these issues that escalates larger differences about values, beliefs, lifestyle, etc., may point to concerns that deserve attention before moving forward.

Butting heads over wedding details can often magnify cracks in how you and your partner handle stress and differing priorities, but not always. What might feel like small disagreements under pressure could simply be normal planning stress. However, sometimes underlying issues may surface that reveal bigger misalignments.

You’re Not Sure if You Can Grow Together

You might get along really well with your partner, but perhaps you've felt a quiet, lingering uncertainty about whether your futures truly align or if you share compatible lifestyles and mutual attraction. Sometimes, these intuitive feelings can get buried under the excitement and momentum of the relationship.

It's a wise time to check in with those inner signals - they can provide valuable insight about whether moving forward feels right for you. “Incompatibility doesn’t just show up during wedding planning, it’s usually been there for a while,” Groskopf says. “Anxiety can come and go, incompatibility usually doesn’t.” 

Your Intuition Is Telling You Not To Move Forward

“Ask yourself: If all the logistics disappeared—no guests, no parents, no money lost—would I still feel unsure? If the answer is yes, that’s not cold feet,” Groskopf says. “That’s your nervous system trying to get your attention.” If your gut is warning you not to go through with it and you’ve been ignoring some yellow to red flags, that could be a sign that getting married might be a mistake. 

Ask yourself: If all the logistics disappeared—no guests, no parents, no money lost—would I still feel unsure? If the answer is yes, that’s not cold feet.

— CHERYL GROSKOPF, LMFT, LPCC

You’re Not Happy nor Excited

Celebrating your union as a couple is a joyful, jubilant ceremony. If you find the process of creating this event mostly difficult, dreadful, stressful, or saddening, it’s worth checking in with your emotions to see if it’s the activity or the relationship itself that’s the problem. 

How to Know If You're Ready For Marriage—And What to Do If Your Partner Isn't

Is it a Mistake, or Are You Just Getting Cold Feet?

Getting cold feet before a wedding is common. A study in the Journal of Family Psychology found that two-thirds of couples had at least one partner who reported having cold feet.2 Sometimes, this is the result of natural anxiety that comes with the magnitude of being confronted with a lifelong commitment. 

“If you grew up in a home where no one talked about feelings, or where image and stability were prioritized over emotional honesty, then the idea of canceling a wedding might feel unthinkable—even if you’re deeply unhappy,” Groskopf says. “You’re not just breaking off an engagement. You’re breaking the rules your younger self learned about what it means to be loved, accepted, and ‘good.’”

One individual, Ralph, married his college sweetheart even though he was uncertain about their physical chemistry and emotional compatibility. “I never even thought of my own needs and feelings; my life was so preoccupied with making my partner or my parents happy, or not disappointing all my family, friends, and in-laws. I worried more about the shame I would feel for ruining a ‘picture perfect’ love–one that was actually hollow on the inside.”

I worried more about the shame I would feel for ruining a ‘picture perfect’ love–one that was actually hollow on the inside.

— RALPH

“Consequently, I wasn't honest with myself, and I didn’t honor my own emotions. I went through with the marriage,” he said. “Years later, after having two children, our relationship ended in divorce–creating more pain and heartache for everyone I was trying to please–the very thing I had feared all along.”

A formerly engaged couple I spoke to decided to call off the wedding after realizing their wedding party was becoming bigger than the relationship itself. 

“We had been dating for years, and suddenly, we were at the right age to get married. But we knew something was wrong when we put more effort into planning a flawless wedding than we ever put into our actual relationship. We felt stressed out, anxious, and unhappy, and wondered where the excitement had gone.”

They couldn’t keep ignoring the growing distance. After having a few honest, painful conversations, they decided to call off the wedding. “We realized we were more in love with the idea of marriage than with each other. Breaking the news was brutal and embarrassing. But eventually, people moved on, and we did too. The relief we felt afterward told us we made the right choice.”

It's easy to get swept up in the excitement of planning a wedding - after all, we may have been taught from an early age to idealize the big day as a pinnacle moment. But when the dream of the wedding overshadows the relationship itself, it's time to pause and reflect. A wedding is only one day in the unfolding of a life partnership. Keeping the focus on the health of the relationship, rather than just the event, helps ensure that the commitment being celebrated is truly grounded and lasting.

How to Know If You'll Ever Get Married?

Steps to Take Before Making a Decision

“The pressure to follow through comes from a mix of cultural messaging and survival instinct. Your brain is wired to avoid rejection, shame, and discomfort. So it makes sense that your body might panic at the idea of letting people down or being seen as someone who ‘couldn’t make it work.’ But that panic doesn’t mean you’re doing the wrong thing,” Groskopf says. “It just means you don’t have a roadmap for what it looks like to choose yourself—yet.”

If you’re thinking about calling off a wedding, here are some steps to take:

• Sit with your emotions. Pushing away your anxiety won’t get better, and might feel like a betrayal of your true feelings over time. “Acknowledge the story you’re carrying: ‘If I walk away, I’m a failure.’ Then get curious with those narratives and gently challenge them,” Groskopf says. “What if the opposite is true? What if walking away means you’re finally listening to yourself? What if it means you trust your gut more than you trust a fantasy?” 

• Open up to your partner. “Set aside a conversation to talk about the doubts you each have. You may be shocked that the doubts are actually manageable and it doesn't mean that the proposal or wedding has to be called off,” Derrick says. “It can be a beautiful opportunity to have some open, honest, and vulnerable communication about what you need and work together on plans to meet each other's needs.” If you’re able to say what feels like the unspeakable now, it’s a good sign that your relationship can handle bigger and more high-stakes conversations later on.

• Go to couples therapy. “Going to couples therapy in a situation like this is like an opportunity to rewind and pinpoint where things got off track and decide what next steps look like in a way that genuinely feels right,” Derrick says. “Some couples reset, repair, and are still able to pursue marriage a little further down the road. Some decide to downshift and focus on friendship or just being in a committed relationship, and in some cases, some do decide to call it quits, but in a healthy way.”

• Take some space. Paying the deposits, dealing with families, and constantly emailing your vendors can make everything feel urgent. But in these moments, think of the phrase slow is flow, and flow is fast. It might feel impossible to step away for a day, but right now, your emotions are providing extremely useful data points to inform your decision. Give yourself permission to slow down so you can make sense of it. Touch grass, take care of your body with movement, and confide in your trusted circle about what you’re experiencing. Clarity will emerge when you make time to breathe. 

What Is Analysis Paralysis?

Practical Considerations

“Calling off a wedding isn’t just an emotional decision—it’s a logistical nightmare, too,” Groskopf says. “You’ve got people to tell, money tied up, and a lot of expectations coming at you fast.”

Here are some steps to help:

• Reframe your finances: “Handle the money piece like damage control, not punishment. Cancel what you can, resell what you can, and accept that you might lose some money,” Groskopf advises. “That sucks—but it’s still cheaper than years of being stuck in the wrong relationship. And no, spending money on a wedding you’re not having doesn’t mean you ‘failed.’ It means you made the best call you could with new information.”

• Get logistical support: You’ll need to inform your vendors, cancel bookings, and figure out wedding gifts. Take this as a project, break it down into manageable steps, and have your friends and family help you where you can.  

• Telling the guests: “You don’t owe anyone the full story,” Groskopf recommends. “Keep it simple: ‘We’ve decided not to move forward with the wedding, and we appreciate your support.’ That’s it. You don’t need to explain, justify, or fix how other people feel about your choice. Your job is to take care of yourself, not manage everyone else’s disappointment or opinions.”

• Prepare emotionally: Be ready for a range of emotions to come your way. “Some people will say the wrong thing. Some will avoid you. Some will project their own stuff onto you,” Groskopf says. Weddings are charged, and under stress, we don't always show up as our best selves. People's personal feelings can sometimes get in the way of their ability to empathize and be present with what you are experiencing. Try to redirect toward the voices of friends who can be supportive, kind, and understanding.

• Protect your peace: “Don’t talk to everyone about it. Pick a few close friends or family members who are safe—who listen without trying to fix or give advice—and let the rest go quiet for a while,” Groskopf suggests. “You’re allowed to go offline. You’re allowed to delete social media. You’re allowed to have boundaries.”

• Get professional help: Pre-marital counseling can offer couples a valuable space to explore their relationship, clarify shared values, and strengthen communication, especially when doubts or uncertainty arise. It can be a supportive platform to thoughtfully work through whether to move forward with the wedding or recognize that stepping back might be healthier.

• Grieve the ending: “You’re allowed to feel overwhelmed about it. But don’t confuse grief with regret. Grief means you cared. Regret means you betrayed yourself—and that’s not what you’re doing here,” Groskopf says. “Even if you’re the one who made the call, it’s still a loss. You’re not just letting go of a person, you’re letting go of a story. Let yourself feel the sadness, the anger, the guilt. Remind yourself: choosing to leave something that doesn’t feel right is not a reflection of your worth. It’s a reflection of your capacity to be honest and brave.”

How to Cope When Things Don't Go as Planned

Keep in Mind 

If you decide to call off your wedding, there are no villains or winners in this story–just two people in their truth refusing to settle for anything less. Breaking off the engagement may hurt your partner, but in time, they will come to see it as an act of love. Sometimes, planning the wedding can lift the veil on the reality that the shared future no longer makes sense.

This process reminds me of a line from one of my favorite Mary Oliver’s poems, "The Uses of Sorrow": Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this, too, was a gift. 

Choosing a partner is a life-defining choice, shaping your destiny. When you feel trapped between duty, your personal happiness, and the love of your partner, the bravest thing you can do is to choose what’s most aligned for you. It will all work out in the end. 

“You don’t need a ‘perfect’ reason to walk away,” Groskopf says. “If something feels wrong and you've been trying to talk yourself into staying, that is the reason.”

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