What Is a Dark Empath? Plus, 7 Benefits to Healing From a Manipulative Relationship With One

If you’re left drained and guilt-ridden from a relationship with someone, you might be involved with a dark empath. Here’s why healing from this dynamic is key to moving forward in a healthy way and attracting the love you deserve in your life.

Have you ever been in a long-term relationship where you felt deeply confused, depleted, or like you lost parts of yourself? On one hand, your partner made you feel seen and understood — but on the other hand, their love felt like it came with strings attached and a side of manipulation.

“We’re so used to thinking of empathy as a positive trait — something that’s always good, always generous,” says Kate Connolly, an intuitive healer and DailyOM course creator. “But even empathy can become distorted and used in a manipulative way.”

This dynamic of using high levels of cognitive empathy to control others instead of connect with them is known as “dark empathy.” And if you’ve been in a relationship with a dark empath, it can leave a mark, profoundly affecting your sense of self, relationship with others, and overall well-being.

Meet Your Teacher: Kate Connolly

As an intuitive educator and holistic healer, Kate Connolly draws on her vast knowledge of chiropractic, naturopathy, kinesiology, and energy healing to guide others on journeys of self-discovery, self-love, and self-empowerment. Through her book, The Intuitive Heart Revolution, and her intuitive-development platform, The Intuitive Mastery School, she supports countless individuals in strengthening their relationship and trust with themselves. 

“My mission is to help people move from a place of relying on others for answers to reconnecting with their way of knowing and intuitive rhythm,” Connolly says. “Once you start living from that place, you’re no longer reacting to life — you’re creating it from your center. And from there, anything becomes possible.”

What Is a Dark Empath?

According to Connolly, a dark empath is someone who senses deeply — but instead of using their empathic abilities to help bolster connection and intimacy in their relationships, they use them to manipulate and control others.

A word to the wise: “Dark empath manipulation doesn’t always look like overt control,” Connolly explains. “In fact, what makes it so difficult to recognize — especially for those of us who are highly sensitive or intuitive — is how subtle and emotionally entangled it can be. These behaviors often masquerade as care, connection, or protectiveness. But underneath, there’s a deeper pattern of using emotional awareness as a tool for influence, rather than for true connection.”

Dark empathy manipulation doesn’t evolve out of nowhere, and is often the result of past trauma, says Connolly. “In my experience, people use their empathic abilities to manipulate because, on some level, they’ve learned that being emotionally attuned to others gives them a sense of control — and often, that control feels like safety. For example, if you grew up in an environment where emotions were unpredictable or intense, you may have developed empathy not just as a gift, but as a survival skill.”

She adds that engaging in dark empathy is often what people do when they don’t feel safe being vulnerable or direct. “Instead of expressing their needs, they try to get those needs met through subtle emotional influence — guilt, withdrawal, overgiving, or playing small to keep the relationship intact,” Connolly says.

6 Core Traits of a Dark Empath

They use their high EQ (emotional quotient) to steer or influence others. “Dark empaths often know exactly what to say to make others feel a certain way — whether that’s guilt, loyalty, or obligation,” Connolly says. “This emotional insight becomes a form of control, even if it’s unconscious.”

They do nice things for you … with strings attached. “This can look like acts of kindness that come with an unspoken expectation of being needed, appreciated, or kept close — rather than being given freely and without agenda,” Connolly explains.

They tend to emotionally withdraw or engage in passive-aggressive behavior. Per Connolly, “When things don’t go their way, a dark empath may retreat emotionally, use silence to punish, or indirectly express hurt rather than naming it clearly.”

They have poor energetic boundaries. “Because they’re highly attuned to the emotions of others, dark empaths often struggle to separate their feelings from those around them — and may unconsciously expect others to carry or manage their emotional load,” Connolly notes.

They avoid direct conflict while maintaining emotional control. “They might avoid confrontation altogether, but still maintain power in a relationship through mood shifts, guilt, or creating emotional dependency,” says Connolly.

They don’t typically exhibit loud aggression or clear-cut betrayal. Being in a relationship with a dark empath may have felt deeply intimate, emotionally charged, even spiritually significant, says Connolly. “But underneath that intensity, there’s often a pattern of emotional confusion — one that quietly erodes your sense of self. It’s like death by a thousand cuts, working away at your aura, your emotions, and eventually, your own behavior so you start becoming someone you’re not.”

Why Healing From a Past Relationship With a Dark Empath Is Crucial

The reason dark empathy is so, well … dark: “The danger is that it feels like care, but it’s not clean,” Connolly explains. “And if you’re a highly sensitive or intuitive person, you’ll likely feel confused, responsible for someone else’s emotions, or like you’re being pulled into something that drains your energy, but you’re not sure why.”

Overcoming dark empathic manipulation isn’t simply about healing from one particular relationship. It’s about breaking a deeper-rooted pattern so you stop subconsciously bringing unhealthy relationship dynamics into your life.

According to Connolly, a big part of overcoming dark empathic manipulation is learning to recognize not just the obvious red flags, but the more subtle patterns that live beneath the surface of care and connection. “It’s about turning inward and asking: Where have I learned to manage others instead of being honest about my needs? Where do I use empathy to feel safe, instead of just feeling?” she says.

When you do the work to get to the bottom of these patterns, everything in your life begins to shift.

7 Reasons Healing Past Relationships With Dark Empaths May Benefit Your Life

Before we dive into how healing can benefit your well-being and help you attract a fulfilling romantic relationship, it’s important to understand that being involved with a dark empath doesn’t make you weak or naive — and it doesn’t mean the person you were with is inherently “bad,” Connolly notes.

“These dynamics are often unconscious, on both sides,” she says. “Many dark empath behaviors stem from unhealed trauma and learned emotional survival strategies.” Which is all the more reason to step into your healing journey with gentleness and care.

“The process of healing from these kinds of relationships isn’t just about identifying what went wrong,” Connolly adds. “It’s about gently finding our way back to the part of us that knew something felt off, even when we couldn’t explain why. That part of us that noticed, even if we didn’t trust it at the time.”

1. You reconnect with your intuition. 

One of the telltale signs of being involved with a dark empath is constantly second-guessing yourself. “One of the biggest wounds from these kinds of relationships is how much they mess with your inner clarity,” Connolly says.

“You might’ve dismissed your own intuition, repeatedly telling yourself they didn’t mean it that way, or that you were being too sensitive,” she adds. “When you start to heal, you reconnect with your own instincts — and you learn to trust them again. That kind of confidence changes everything.”

According to research, intuition is key to making better and faster decisions — and feeling more confident with our choices.

2. You reclaim your energy on physical, mental, and emotional levels 

“Relationships with dark empaths can leave you feeling drained — emotionally, mentally, even physically,” Connolly says.

She’s personally witnessed many people in long-term relationships with dark empaths who are chronically unwell, even to the point of autoimmune disease or chronic pain. Science backs her up: One study linked high-conflict relationships with higher blood sugar levels, higher blood pressure, and higher rates of obesity in women.

“Healing allows you to cut energetic cords, reset your nervous system, and stop leaking energy trying to fix, manage, or avoid someone else’s emotional state,” Connolly explains.

3. You nip emotional manipulation in the bud. 

“Once you’ve done the inner work, you stop attracting the same patterns, because you can see them clearly,” says Connolly.

“That emotional fog lifts, and you become really tuned in to what feels off, even when it’s subtle. You can walk away sooner, or set a boundary without guilt,” she adds.

4. You build boundaries that actually feel good. 

When you’re involved with a dark empath, it can feel like every time you try to create a boundary or share how you feel, it somehow becomes about them, Connolly tells us. “Over time, you likely started to shrink parts of yourself to preserve the relationship.”

When you begin to heal, Connolly adds, you realize that while boundaries may seem like they push people away, they actually help you stay connected in a healthy way. “Healing teaches you to say, ‘This is what’s okay for me’ from a place of self-respect, not fear, shut down, or over-explaining.”

5. You let go of guilt for putting yourself first. 

Another common denominator in a relationship with a dark empath: You feel selfish just for having needs — and guilt when you actually nurture them.

Per Connolly, “Healing helps you see that taking care of yourself isn’t selfish — it’s sacred. You stop feeling like you owe your energy to everyone else and start honoring your own rhythm.”

6. You become more grounded and aligned with your truth. 

“Empaths often feel everything, but healing teaches you to filter — to know what’s yours, what’s not, and how to act on your inner knowing,” Connolly shares. 

In turn, you become less reactive, more grounded, and more aligned with your own truth.

7. You come back to yourself. 

“At the heart of it all, this work brings you back to yourself,” says Connolly. “You remember who you were before you were gaslit, twisted up in someone else’s emotional world, or taught that love meant over-giving.” 

For example, researchers found that women who were gaslit in romantic relationships suffered significant consequences, such as a diminished sense of self and mistrust of others. 

But when we focus on healing this dynamic, “we begin to come home to ourselves and this sense of balance appears in our emotions, our bodies, and our lives,” Connolly says.

The Bottom Line 

After ending a romantic relationship with a dark empath, it’s normal to be left feeling confused, drained, or unrecognizable to yourself. Connolly notes that there might not have been a clear event or reason to explain the rupture — just a slow fading of your own clarity and confidence.

Healing from your experience isn’t about shame or blame, she adds. “It’s about shining light on the shadow aspects of empathy, both in others and in ourselves, so we can stop repeating patterns that drain us, confuse us, or keep us small,” Connolly says. “When we can name manipulation for what it is — even the subtle, well-meaning kind — we begin the process of reclaiming our energy, restoring our boundaries, and rebuilding trust in our own intuitive guidance. That’s the work. And it’s the kind of healing that ripples through every part of your life.”

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